Apparently, it should be at my fingertips.
Funny, I was just brainstorming this morning on my drive home from work about what (good) memories I could muster up just to write about, for the sake of writing. We'll see.
I have so, so much I want done around the house.. and painting my hallway and bathroom, ideas for decorating but no real physical motivation to do it. All ideas. Ideas make me damn feel guilty anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I miss friends. That's an empty feeling.
I don't know if I'm getting anything out of therapy anymore. I wonder if I'm all therapy'd out. Like, we know your issues Heather.. embrace acceptance that you can't change anyone or anything that's happened. Get content already ya know. It's been years.
I don't know why, but I keep thinking about a time in my life when I was around 9 years old. It was after my dad was arrested then hospitalized. Well, he eventually came back home after a pathetic 2 weeks 'intensive Outpatient' in the psych ward at our local hospital. The court ordered he stay away from me for a certain amount of time.
He didn't leave, I was tossed out to live with my aunt & uncle for about a month? maybe 2 months? Can't recall. At the time, it was a fun thing for me, getting to stay with my best cousin and watch movies.. pretend like I had a normal family, playing in my cousins' camper thing, pretending we lived on our own.
But I was a kid who couldn't be near her abusive father, who was perfectly at home and living his life -- getting things back to fake perfect.
That is fucked up. And I've never felt to strongly about how hurtful and wrong that was until just here recently. I have so much resentment for so many people in my family and extended family.
Punish the girl, then punish her twice. How do you not feel undeserving after all that? Damn, it burns.
What I'm referring to is my son's love; every part of his existence.
The way he looks intently at the tv screen while he's playing a video game, the curious way he watches a learning show on his favorite cartoon channel, how his hair sticks up in sometimes four different spots after a long night of good sleep, his funny dances, the faces he makes just to make me laugh, the way he says "pleaaase?" with his hands together, his radiant, out-of-this-world smile, his giggle, the way he looks at the book pages while I read to him, his big blue eyes, his 'big neck hugs' (I refer to them as such so I don't a rip-off hug), the way he trusts me with everything in the world, his questions, his speech, every holiday that he makes a million and one times better, cuddling before bed next to his soft face, and so many more reasons.. so many.
Right now, I am crashing.
Crash
c r a s h
c r a s h ...
This is what happens when you must wake up at 3am in order to be to work at 4am. Then come home and care for your vivacious 4 year old for 9 hours, with no nap included.
It's a jungle out here.
It's been a nice evening, though. One on one with the kid, one on one with me while my little man played his game.. it's been good.
This past Monday during my therapy session, my therapist asked; "when was the last time you were 'good' (enjoyed myself, relaxed, peaceful) with yourself?"
I repeatedly answered, maybe 3 times, but all of my answers included being with others.
So she'd reiterate the question "just you, Heather, alone?"
I couldn't answer her. I couldn't remember the last time I had peace while all alone. I sometimes make for bad company. If I have stimulation, it's one thing. If I'm out shopping, looking at books, having a smoke outside, I can manage fine. But if I'm alone in an empty house, I tend to start sliding downhill.
Well, tonight I'm recognizing that I enjoyed myself in a large, empty living room for a solid hour. I surfed the web, listening to music, and uploaded photos of my son.
We have to account for these things. Awareness.
I've got to work on this. Self-love, hope, fulfillment, joy, peace.
It's February already. The month of love?
Where does time go? It's amazing. 2010, really? I remember when partying like it's 1999 seemed really far away.
I am so .. so sleepy.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost
Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.
Maya Angelou
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
John Lennon
Since I've not got the writing inspiration bone in my body these days. I'll be back around here soon'ish let's hope.
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