happy new year.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

These lyrics have always been so powerful for me. One of the songs I'd love to give Alanis a huge hug for. It brings such clarity and logic, just gives a feel-good- I'm-good-enough vibe.
Reminds me that I'm capable, being happy is good, feeling better is best.

Torturing myself gets me nowhere. It's running in place.

I'm so not one to be all "new year, new start" I feel that resolutions are a backwards self-fulfilling prophecy for me. Like I'm destined to screw them up. So I'm not really making any.

Instead, I'm going to touch on milestones of 2008, do some inner refection in the coming days and months, and just try to be content.
I need to treat me good. I need to see myself in a healthy light where it all feels real and possible.
Health and feeling good and loving myself is not impossible. I'm not getting any younger.
I turn 28 next week.

In 2008:
- Firstly, I have watched my son grow and learn in leaps and bounds and it just astonishes me daily. I've sacrificed, lost sleep, but I've also been able to teach. I've been a good teacher and a good mommy. I've helped make my Drake what he is. I'm molding him.. and he's such a great little guy! So full of character and imagination. I must be doing a few things right.

- I've built a better relationship with my 2-years new unit manager at work whom I never saw me getting along with real well. He's complimented me on my work and I've felt like things are good. He does recognize that I'm a hard worker.

- I traveled ALONE for the first time in my life. Navigated 2 very large airports, got through it like a charm. I saw Chicago from the sky and the ground. I met an amazing lady and the time I spent with her and her family, I'll cherish forever. I funded a trip with my own money and made my own plans.

- I joined an Eating Disorders Support Group and have been going semi-regularly when time and my body will allow me. I've opened up to a few complete strangers all out of hope for something better, something to help me and other women. I've shared and helped women feel less alone.

- I wrote a letter to my dad and was completely honest in letting him know that he's in no way allowed into my life. I put it in physical print and that is such a feat. It took me years to do it. And this past Christmas was the time that must have been right. I did it, and I couldn't feel more liberated. As a friend mentioned to me, little Heather is rejoicing. And she is.. and I'm allowing her so much love and compassion. You're welcome, Little Me.

Happy New Year, friends.