Alive and not sad..... today

I sure do know how to let the sadness, worry, and anxiety get to me, eh? I almost deleted that last post, but why deny emotions that were obviously very raw and gut-felt at the time? There it stays.

Onto more materialistic things, shall we? This past Friday, I got myself my first brand-new vehicle. It's a 2010 Honda CR-V and I am far more in love with this machine than I have ever been with a machine. It'll be nice to experience years of no big-ass car repair bills (God willing). So I'm really thankful, really grateful for that pretty black thing in my garage. I'd recently dropped $600 within 2 months on my 02' Intrepid which is kind of vomit-inducing. But hell, what can ya do?

I worked all Easter weekend long, two overnight shifts. It pretty much blew since I have a 4 year old. But we finally colored eggs on Monday and had a little egg hunt. It sufficed.

It is a few minutes before I must leave for work for a long evening shift and I still haven't made coffee.. what part of my brain isn't working?
Ta-ta.

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I love you, Immune System, really.

I have a new-found respect for my immune system.

I'm going on over two weeks of being ill in some way or another. First, it was what felt like strep throat, combined with loads of sniffles and sneezes. Then it got so rough I had to force myself to a germ-infested, scary walk-in clinic. (I found out from my mother, very sadly, that our general practitioner passed away two weeks ago. Bless him.) Turns out I have bronchitis, so I got some scripts from the Dr.

One of them was for Gauifenesin with codeine.. AKA - Robitussin plus codeine AKA - the devil. And here I was excited that I got codeine for a prescription. Oh wee! I get to be loopy and high'ish while I'm getting well! Oh hell no! That cough syrup made me sick as a dog. (that's what I get, right!?) I ended up on the verge of vomiting for about 2-3 hours after taking two little teaspoons of that stuff.
No more for me!
I'm a plain ol' over the counter Robitussin lady from here on out.

So I'm on day number three of taking antibiotics and and just hoping for the absolute best. I'm trying to believe I'll wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and well, ready for work.

I missed work today (first day I've missed throughout this stint of illness) I'd spoken to boss #2 and let him now this morning, then regardless, boss #1 sends me a text message hours later asking "Where r u?"
Really? What we have here sir, is a total lack of communication! Wasn't that at the start of a Beastie Boys album? Song? Something..

Take care of yourselves! Get rest, and.. dammit miss work if you must.
And wash those hands! I sure thought I was.. I'm a sanitizer-totin', handwashing type and I'm still bogged down with this flu season stink.

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happy new year.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

These lyrics have always been so powerful for me. One of the songs I'd love to give Alanis a huge hug for. It brings such clarity and logic, just gives a feel-good- I'm-good-enough vibe.
Reminds me that I'm capable, being happy is good, feeling better is best.

Torturing myself gets me nowhere. It's running in place.

I'm so not one to be all "new year, new start" I feel that resolutions are a backwards self-fulfilling prophecy for me. Like I'm destined to screw them up. So I'm not really making any.

Instead, I'm going to touch on milestones of 2008, do some inner refection in the coming days and months, and just try to be content.
I need to treat me good. I need to see myself in a healthy light where it all feels real and possible.
Health and feeling good and loving myself is not impossible. I'm not getting any younger.
I turn 28 next week.

In 2008:
- Firstly, I have watched my son grow and learn in leaps and bounds and it just astonishes me daily. I've sacrificed, lost sleep, but I've also been able to teach. I've been a good teacher and a good mommy. I've helped make my Drake what he is. I'm molding him.. and he's such a great little guy! So full of character and imagination. I must be doing a few things right.

- I've built a better relationship with my 2-years new unit manager at work whom I never saw me getting along with real well. He's complimented me on my work and I've felt like things are good. He does recognize that I'm a hard worker.

- I traveled ALONE for the first time in my life. Navigated 2 very large airports, got through it like a charm. I saw Chicago from the sky and the ground. I met an amazing lady and the time I spent with her and her family, I'll cherish forever. I funded a trip with my own money and made my own plans.

- I joined an Eating Disorders Support Group and have been going semi-regularly when time and my body will allow me. I've opened up to a few complete strangers all out of hope for something better, something to help me and other women. I've shared and helped women feel less alone.

- I wrote a letter to my dad and was completely honest in letting him know that he's in no way allowed into my life. I put it in physical print and that is such a feat. It took me years to do it. And this past Christmas was the time that must have been right. I did it, and I couldn't feel more liberated. As a friend mentioned to me, little Heather is rejoicing. And she is.. and I'm allowing her so much love and compassion. You're welcome, Little Me.

Happy New Year, friends.

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zombie talk

When I am sleep-deprived, every sensation is heightened. I can feel my heart beat, my every breath, the way my eyelids feel when I blink. If I didn't know better, I'd think I could feel my hair growing.

It's really comforting when your "close friend" bails on you to babysit for tomorrow by not returning phone calls all week long. Wow! Nice to know I can't count on family or friends now. Yip Yip. Let's hope for the second week in a row, that my boss doesn't notice that I switch my schedule up the day of.

When I'm really tired like this, sometimes I lay on my back on our giant bean bag counting ceiling cracks to see how long I can keep my eyes open. It's astounding how long sleepy eyes can stay wide open.

I know I sound like a mad woman. I feel a little bit like one, too.

Tomorrow will be day number two of working an all-night shift, coming home, getting about an hour of shut-eye, then tending to a needy, Jekyll and Hyde two year old for eight and a half hours until I can finally dive into my bed, stuff plugs in my ears and sleep for a mere shitty five to six hours- only to do it again
.
Anyone up for coming and kidnapping me? I'll pay you in.. hugs and chai tea.

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spring comes crashing

I've had too much going on to even scratch on my mini spiral notebook.
My son has been sick with tonsillitis, upper respiratory infection, and reseola. My grandpa is sick with diabetes and a sky-rocketing blood sugar level reaching up to 1000. My aunt is pretty much waiting to be diagnosed with lung cancer. I have inventory at work this Friday. I'm working overtime and running on low amounts of sleep. I'm lacking comfort and inspiration, but hopefully will be back sometime after the shit storm stops. I hope it stops, that is.. or slows down.
I'm still reading everyone, just not up to writing myself. And I do really hate that.

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thoughts I thought today

I was really productive today at work. I was surprised, not that I was productive but that I wanted to be and felt accomplished for corrected fifty-something price discrepancies after auditing the drug/gm department. Better me then the holier than thou head honchos who come in and act like they are God when they find errors and talk down to you about it. Pssh.

I had a lot of time to think. Thinking and working, now that's what I call being productive. Multi-tasking has always been a specialty.

Anyway, I was thinking about how music was and has always been my way to escape into my head, get away from the stress-causing stimuli around me. I find myself, even at work, doing this. When something like Pink Floyd, Skynyrd, Fleetwood Mac, Ozzy, or anyone else remotely enthralling pops onto the work radio, I find myself drifting away, singing along to every word, floating aimlessly in my own world. I become oblivious to the beep-beeps of my scanning gun - yet I still get my job done competently. The music is just in my lungs, brainwaves, perhaps bloodstream, helping to move me along the work load.

I was also thinking back to when I was a teenager, paining my nails and listening to Bush's Sixteen Stone. It was my favorite CD for months, I couldn't take it out of my player. I'm surprised I didn't wear my stereo right out when I was a teenager. All I did was listen to CD's and paint my nails, read and write.
I had shoe boxes full of nail polish, it was a fetish. I had every box lid painted, in -ha! .. nail polish "Heather's Nail Polish" I had to be a sight, jamming to Gavin Rossdale's sexy-as-hell vocals, banging my head ....everything zen everything zen I don't think so... I wanted to marry that guy. I still secretly kind of hate Gwen Stefani for stealing my husband.

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parade

Sheesh, I haven't updated this thing in a few days, have I?

My weekend was pretty work-filled. They always are, as I work overnights every Saturday. I stay exhausted and crabby usually on weekends, the two days are definitely not my fun time. My TGIF is more like TGIT, on Tuesday.

However, we did take my son to my city's Christmas Parade on Saturday. It was enjoyable but my butt hurt something fierce by the time an hour and a half passed and I was able to get up off the curb where we were sitting.
Jared the Subway guy was there! I thought that was pretty cool. There was also this guy who makes his own bicycle contraptions who was turning somersaults in the street. Very interesting. And my hubby got a picture with a storm trooper.

I can't believe it's December already. Nearly 2008. Where does it go..

I've been going to the gym for an entire month already. I've increased weight on about four of the machines I use. I amaze myself sometimes, I suppose I was pretty strong to start with. Go me.

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