Every whisper of every waking hour. I'm choosing my confessions..
>> Thursday, February 18, 2010
I have so, so much I want done around the house.. and painting my hallway and bathroom, ideas for decorating but no real physical motivation to do it. All ideas. Ideas make me damn feel guilty anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I miss friends. That's an empty feeling.
I don't know if I'm getting anything out of therapy anymore. I wonder if I'm all therapy'd out. Like, we know your issues Heather.. embrace acceptance that you can't change anyone or anything that's happened. Get content already ya know. It's been years.
I don't know why, but I keep thinking about a time in my life when I was around 9 years old. It was after my dad was arrested then hospitalized. Well, he eventually came back home after a pathetic 2 weeks 'intensive Outpatient' in the psych ward at our local hospital. The court ordered he stay away from me for a certain amount of time.
He didn't leave, I was tossed out to live with my aunt & uncle for about a month? maybe 2 months? Can't recall. At the time, it was a fun thing for me, getting to stay with my best cousin and watch movies.. pretend like I had a normal family, playing in my cousins' camper thing, pretending we lived on our own.
But I was a kid who couldn't be near her abusive father, who was perfectly at home and living his life -- getting things back to fake perfect.
That is fucked up. And I've never felt to strongly about how hurtful and wrong that was until just here recently. I have so much resentment for so many people in my family and extended family.
Punish the girl, then punish her twice. How do you not feel undeserving after all that? Damn, it burns.
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