Moved.

seaofme.wordpress.com

New blog.. it's about time I shared it, right?

Read more...

times, they are a'changin

Well, I've decided I'll be making a brand new blog to begin my thirties and also the new year. It's kind of exciting... the inspiration I need, actually.
Major goal of 2011-- WRITE! For myself and nothing else.
When I decide, I'll post a link... I think.

Read more...

ch-cha-cha-changes

I'm making today the day that I look into school extensively. I'm going to do the cosmetology program at the technical college. I will have to get details and do the dirty work (look into grants/loans.. ugh! can't express my anxiety about that enough). And I will have to map out a plan of action.

The change scares the crap out of me. As it is, I don't have much me-time.. but when I start school I will be SUPER pressed for time. But I have to remember there will be a light at the end and that it's what I want to do long-term. I'm cut out for being a hairstylist/colorist. I feel it in my blood.

I am very comfy with my current job, though, I have to say. They've worked with my schedule and been good to me. I have amazing benefits. I get paid very well (which is another worry for post-school -- will I make enough money??). BUT - ultimately, I know that I want to do something creative and in my wavelength, something more rewarding on a personal level, and more "Me".


So I just have to make take all of the steps in order to get what I want in the end.
It's going to be an interesting journey. And scary.

Also, my mother in law is talking about retiring at the end of this school year, so that would free her up to help us with Drake after-school and such if it were needed if I'm in school, etc.

Can't say how scary this idea is. but also exciting.
Nothing worth doing is easy as someone once said. It is true.

Read more...

Goals to help me Blossom.

• Take the time to meditate. 10 minutes per day, alone in a dim room, lots of concentrated breathing and releasing of toxic energy.
• Drink more water. It is cleansing. Besides, in the last two or so years, I've become prone to kidney infections and UTI's.. I need my water.
• Get back into the groove of snail-mail. Receiving something personal in the mailbox makes my day. I want to make the days of those I love.
• Talk to myself in a more positive light. Give myself a break. Be kind, be kind.

Read more...

just stuff

I absolutely love this girl's blog - It's midnight at the starlite diner. It's chock full of thoughts on songs. How perfect is that? And her taste is eerily similar to mine, love reading it. She makes me want to start a music-related blog.

My son is starting Pre-K on Monday. How is this? I can't grasp it just yet. Still. We are going to meet his teacher tonight, and walk around the school, familiarize him with it. I think I'm more emotionally distressed at the thought of him being in school than he is.
So much to do today.

I spent this past weekend in Atlanta, partying with seven women. It was my longtime friend's bachlorette party. We had a good time, but I am not as young as I used to be. It wears me out to party two nights in a row on little to no sleep.. holy hell. But there was a lot of laughing and fun, which is vital. So it was good.

I do not write here enough. Dammit. I say that all of the time.

Read more...

oceans of angels, oceans of stars.

I am still kind of floating from seeing Courtney Love put on a hell of a show last night. I think that means I should write about it.

This was my first time seeing Hole live.

They were late coming onstage, but I didn't much expect punctuality either. My feet started to hurt after a bit and my buzz was wearing off from 'Foxy Shazam'-- who were a VERY entertaining group, and put on a really high-energy fun show. It was my first time seeing a musician eat three lit cigarettes and crawl across the stage like a monkey, ever.

So anyway, we waited more than we would've liked. But needless to say, once I saw Courtney's blond head of hair come out from behind that curtain, a feeling of "oh fucking hell yes' came over me. Everything was right in the world.

She apologized for her voice being 'shot', but she pulled right on through nonetheless. I was actually surprised at how put-together and cute Courtney looked. She didn't appear strung out.. but I know that may not mean a whole lot.

They made my night by playing shortly into the set, 'miss world'. I think I jumped on the foot of the guy standing behind me. In fact, I know I did. Sorry guy.
I got lost in a 'Live Through This' Hole rock 'n roll nostalgia wonderland when she played songs off the album.

Impatiently, I awaited 'doll parts'. Please, please, please, I thought to myself.. You gotta do this for me! So they finished their set and fans drew them back out for the encore, and lo and behold Courtney had changed into a dress that screamed old(er) school Courtney and I just knew then that my wish was going to be granted. It was, and again everything was right in the world.


I wouldn't have missed this show for the world. Check one band off my bucket list

Read more...

Cosmic.

burnt out kite strings mark my path to outer-space. through the telescope, creepy long clock hands scatter through the atmosphere. I didn't know time could diminish. milliseconds between seconds. breaths between panics. I almost forgot weightlessness could cause such damage. stars fall heavy skipping their way to my shoulders. I sit to rest and notice more boulders. boulders formed of rocket toxicity, requiring goggles. pulling at what's left of twine, I slap on protection. jump from here to Saturn, back again. sighs take light years and I get lost in conversions. me, the scientist, calculating self-inflicted purgatory. six thousand miles to eternity. shake and stutter, clear my throat of clutter. take flight into a void of sheer speed. coming then going, not coming nor going.

(written July 2007)

Read more...

it's all a work in progress..

Read more...

On the road again

I am going to Savannah TODAY to visit my good friend, Traci. I am, of course, over the moon. I'm going alone, hubby-free, kid-free and it's pretty exciting. We're going to get in some pool time, beach time, talk time, party time, good times all around.

Wish me luck on my 3 hour drive!.. Depending on speed, of course. ;)

It's been so long since I've blogged, I've really gotta get back into writing. Seriously!

Read more...

summers with mommy

I'd like to take this moment.. er, blog post, to reflect on a bundle of memories I have from when I'd spend summer weeks at my grandparents' home as a little girl.

"Mommy" is my late grandmother. She's was the most graceful, witty, classy, comforting, amazing woman I had the chance to know and love as a child/young woman.

During some weeks in the summer, I'd stay with my grandparents. Not always by necessity, but often just because I loved to be there.
As technology-dependent as I am presently, I love to remember that this was before the internet, cell phones, text messaging, ten million kid channels on television, video games (to the extent they've become), even pagers. It was my"good old days".

One memory that sticks out is sitting in my mommy's wooden, cushioned rocker while she sat on a stool behind me, braiding my long blond hair. Usually, the kitchen's window air conditioning unit was on full-blast (I always loved the smell of it). My Grandaddy would have the television up full-volume either on the local news station or one of the 'stories' (soap operas) he watched faithfully for the last 15 or so years, and still does today.
I'd sit up perfectly straight, all knees and elbows. I'd be the most peaceful and comforted I really felt so closely in those days.

Sometimes, mommy would half a grapefruit between the two of us, sprinkling it with salt. Big spoon in hand, I'd shovel bits of the tart and juicy fruit into my mouth, getting a spoonful here and there of all juice and salt -- savoring it's unique taste - savoring this unique moment in time.

After lunch some days, after we'd all eaten to our heart's content mommy's delicious southern meal, Grandaddy and I would take a short drive to the quickie store. Usually, this followed after mommy said with a smile "I want something sweet" followed by a look over at me for the "ooh me too!" grin of agreeance. Not too long after, Grandaddy and I took off in his sparkling blue Mercury. Our sweet tooth cure of choice would either be candy bars; a snickers bar for mommy, 3 musketeers for me, payday for Grandaddy. Or a pint of Kinnett ice cream each; butter pecan for mommy, chocolate for me, vanilla for grandaddy.

If we wanted something else to do, we played Rummy, Yahtzee, checkers. My Grandaddy has a checker set that looked sort of royal in a sense.
I'd look at my mommy's sewing box - full of objects colorful, small, smaller. I'd gaze through her thimble collection, taking in the words etched ontp the sides, twisting them around and around my small fingertips.
Grandaddy would sing to me in the swing on their front porch - the green grass grows all around all around, the green grass grows all around.

Some Sunday mornings, my Grandaddy walked up the small hill across from their house to go to church. He walked alone, bible in hand, in his button-up shirt. I'd watch him walk.

Mommy would speak of Patsy Cline -- where had the music gone to these days?

She told me of her father, what a hard-working, handsome and wonderful man he was. He held me when I was 6 weeks old and died shortly after.

Those long days of Summer never left my memory. I can almost hear the hum of the air conditioner, taste my mommy's buttered toast & sugary coffee just thinking about it.

I harbor a love that still pulses through my bloodstream, much like her strong features softened by a delicate smile.

Read more...

Alive and not sad..... today

I sure do know how to let the sadness, worry, and anxiety get to me, eh? I almost deleted that last post, but why deny emotions that were obviously very raw and gut-felt at the time? There it stays.

Onto more materialistic things, shall we? This past Friday, I got myself my first brand-new vehicle. It's a 2010 Honda CR-V and I am far more in love with this machine than I have ever been with a machine. It'll be nice to experience years of no big-ass car repair bills (God willing). So I'm really thankful, really grateful for that pretty black thing in my garage. I'd recently dropped $600 within 2 months on my 02' Intrepid which is kind of vomit-inducing. But hell, what can ya do?

I worked all Easter weekend long, two overnight shifts. It pretty much blew since I have a 4 year old. But we finally colored eggs on Monday and had a little egg hunt. It sufficed.

It is a few minutes before I must leave for work for a long evening shift and I still haven't made coffee.. what part of my brain isn't working?
Ta-ta.

Read more...

It doesn't mean much, or it means everything.

what happened to..
the optimism.. did you ever have any? chivalry.. you remind me it’s dead. hope.. what was that, again? faith in me.. let’s remember that I’m not a loser. patience.. I am one woman. trust.. mistrust fuels the damaging.

Read more...

Why? ... .but why?

This is my son's current favorite word of his vocabulary -- "Why?" Sometimes, followed by 'mommy', 'daddy', 'they do that?', 'is it?'. Often times, preceded with 'but'.

The other day, there was a policeman driving behind us. A few minutes pass, and he asks where the policeman went... it goes something like this:
"where did the police go mommy?"
"he went another way, he's not behind us anymore"
"why?"
"because, sweetie, he went off the exit to go somewhere else"
"why'd he do that?"
"To go and get some bad guys"
"why mommy?"

(insert wide-eyed stare of OMG from me)

So my hubby turned it around on him and asked "Why? Why did he go get bad guys Drake?" To which Drake says "Me don't know!" Like.. as in, duh I don't know, aren't you going to tell me?

It's funny. After a long string of why's, you eventually just come to a roadblock where you can't possibly explain any further.

Read more...

things I want to learn to do

1. How to style my hair into a bow like so. I'm not even saying that I'd wear this style out per se, but I have to know how to do this, because it's just too adorable not to know. Ya feel me?








2. How to sew. As in, now how to make a pillow in 7th grade Home Economics, but really how to sew. I want to eventually learn to make children's clothing, curtains, jeans, tops, you name it.











3. How to play the piano. You know I have to use Tori Amos for this shot. I want to be able to play all of my favorite songs, sing along, read music.. I'm not asking for Amos' skill level, just a level I can enjoy.

More later.

Read more...

a weekend fit for a free-spirited queen

I was in Savannah, GA this past weekend. I vow that this city has a magic to it. I feel like I fit there, as if that's the place that would solve any of that discontentment that settles into my brain from time to time. My puzzle piece. The streets, the buildings, trees, the character that seeps out of every window and door downtown.. the sound of the branches, birds, swoosh of cars going past.. it makes for a gorgeous melody.

Going the weekend before St. Patrick's Day was interesting. Savannah celebrates this holiday beginning weeks in advance. Everything was green - building lights, water fountains, beer. The streets were packed at night with party-goers in their green circus wigs, face paint, hair, shoes. Very cool to experience. Cabs had TWO hour waits, so Saturday night we ended up calling someone we knew to come and give us a quick ride home. Amazing, I tell you.

My hubby and I went childless, which was a huge plus. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than life and he IS my heart, but as a parent you just need need need these times away. Fortunately, my dear old friend took us into her home for the weekend and we had a fabulous stay. We were about 5 minutes from downtown and stayed gone for most of the trip save for potstickers at 4am, Scattergories on the couch, and a few early morning, hungover bed conversations.

On Saturday, we had waffles and coffee, then drove out to the beach to hang out for a while. It's always therapeutic to see the ocean.
I had a beautiful time.

Also, to my delight, I discovered a band - Dead Confederate. They hail from Athens, GA and have a familiar feel that makes my soul happy, but are original at the same time. I stayed stage-front at The Jinx their entire set. As a matter of fact, as I type this, I am downloading their albums. I am psyched.

There is nothing else in this world like traveling. The new experiences, having no set schedule, and laughing and loving with no cares. I'm so thankful for my weekend of peace.

Read more...

So much for that

This morning, I've been reading all sorts of cool DIY blogs full of beauty & creativity. Will I one day have the time to be so free with my hands and ideas? I sure do hope so.
It's kind of depressing how little time I have to be creative.. It's gonna change, it's gotta change.

In other fun, time-consuming, adult news -- my car has been overheating. So me and hubby are dropping it off today at the shop. Fun times.. how much you wanna bet most of my tax refund will be going to fixing my car and will be mostly gone in the next couple of days? Wait --- maybe now's not the wisest time to bet.

I am planning a little 2-night stay in Savannah coming up soon when I take my week's vacation from work. My good friend lives there and has promised us free room & board for our little getaway. I plan to be very free and full of chill and taking pictures and loving my surroundings while I'm in Savannah. It's such an inspiring place to be. I'd love to live there, actually.

Inventory at work is Thursday. I always become a ball of anxiety and worry around this time.. as if my scan percentage defines my whole being. I just giggled, that's a good sign.

Read more...

Inspiration?

Apparently, it should be at my fingertips.
Funny, I was just brainstorming this morning on my drive home from work about what (good) memories I could muster up just to write about, for the sake of writing. We'll see.

Capricorn

You have a lot of fresh thoughts and, fortunately, many of them could make good sense. But your mind is running so fast now that you are on to the next inspiration before you've done anything about the previous one. Unfortunately, an important innovation might be forever lost if you don't take the time to write it down as it's unfolding. You cannot rely on your memory; carry around a notebook today and jot down your ideas when they happen.

Read more...

Every whisper of every waking hour. I'm choosing my confessions..

I have so, so much I want done around the house.. and painting my hallway and bathroom, ideas for decorating but no real physical motivation to do it. All ideas. Ideas make me damn feel guilty anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?!

I miss friends. That's an empty feeling.

I don't know if I'm getting anything out of therapy anymore. I wonder if I'm all therapy'd out. Like, we know your issues Heather.. embrace acceptance that you can't change anyone or anything that's happened. Get content already ya know. It's been years.

I don't know why, but I keep thinking about a time in my life when I was around 9 years old. It was after my dad was arrested then hospitalized. Well, he eventually came back home after a pathetic 2 weeks 'intensive Outpatient' in the psych ward at our local hospital. The court ordered he stay away from me for a certain amount of time.
He didn't leave, I was tossed out to live with my aunt & uncle for about a month? maybe 2 months? Can't recall. At the time, it was a fun thing for me, getting to stay with my best cousin and watch movies.. pretend like I had a normal family, playing in my cousins' camper thing, pretending we lived on our own.
But I was a kid who couldn't be near her abusive father, who was perfectly at home and living his life -- getting things back to fake perfect.
That is fucked up. And I've never felt to strongly about how hurtful and wrong that was until just here recently. I have so much resentment for so many people in my family and extended family.
Punish the girl, then punish her twice. How do you not feel undeserving after all that? Damn, it burns.

Read more...

love in it's purest form

What I'm referring to is my son's love; every part of his existence.

The way he looks intently at the tv screen while he's playing a video game, the curious way he watches a learning show on his favorite cartoon channel, how his hair sticks up in sometimes four different spots after a long night of good sleep, his funny dances, the faces he makes just to make me laugh, the way he says "pleaaase?" with his hands together, his radiant, out-of-this-world smile, his giggle, the way he looks at the book pages while I read to him, his big blue eyes, his 'big neck hugs' (I refer to them as such so I don't a rip-off hug), the way he trusts me with everything in the world, his questions, his speech, every holiday that he makes a million and one times better, cuddling before bed next to his soft face, and so many more reasons.. so many.

Read more...

I sometimes wonder if real happiness was meant for me.

Read more...