stream of conscious ... or unconscious

Right now, I am crashing.
Crash
c r a s h
c r a s h ...

This is what happens when you must wake up at 3am in order to be to work at 4am. Then come home and care for your vivacious 4 year old for 9 hours, with no nap included.
It's a jungle out here.

It's been a nice evening, though. One on one with the kid, one on one with me while my little man played his game.. it's been good.

This past Monday during my therapy session, my therapist asked; "when was the last time you were 'good' (enjoyed myself, relaxed, peaceful) with yourself?"
I repeatedly answered, maybe 3 times, but all of my answers included being with others.
So she'd reiterate the question "just you, Heather, alone?"
I couldn't answer her. I couldn't remember the last time I had peace while all alone. I sometimes make for bad company. If I have stimulation, it's one thing. If I'm out shopping, looking at books, having a smoke outside, I can manage fine. But if I'm alone in an empty house, I tend to start sliding downhill.
Well, tonight I'm recognizing that I enjoyed myself in a large, empty living room for a solid hour. I surfed the web, listening to music, and uploaded photos of my son.

We have to account for these things. Awareness.

I've got to work on this. Self-love, hope, fulfillment, joy, peace.

It's February already. The month of love?
Where does time go? It's amazing. 2010, really? I remember when partying like it's 1999 seemed really far away.

I am so .. so sleepy.