stream of conscious ... or unconscious

Right now, I am crashing.
Crash
c r a s h
c r a s h ...

This is what happens when you must wake up at 3am in order to be to work at 4am. Then come home and care for your vivacious 4 year old for 9 hours, with no nap included.
It's a jungle out here.

It's been a nice evening, though. One on one with the kid, one on one with me while my little man played his game.. it's been good.

This past Monday during my therapy session, my therapist asked; "when was the last time you were 'good' (enjoyed myself, relaxed, peaceful) with yourself?"
I repeatedly answered, maybe 3 times, but all of my answers included being with others.
So she'd reiterate the question "just you, Heather, alone?"
I couldn't answer her. I couldn't remember the last time I had peace while all alone. I sometimes make for bad company. If I have stimulation, it's one thing. If I'm out shopping, looking at books, having a smoke outside, I can manage fine. But if I'm alone in an empty house, I tend to start sliding downhill.
Well, tonight I'm recognizing that I enjoyed myself in a large, empty living room for a solid hour. I surfed the web, listening to music, and uploaded photos of my son.

We have to account for these things. Awareness.

I've got to work on this. Self-love, hope, fulfillment, joy, peace.

It's February already. The month of love?
Where does time go? It's amazing. 2010, really? I remember when partying like it's 1999 seemed really far away.

I am so .. so sleepy.

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Random thoughts after an overnight shift

This morning, for the first time, I noticed the red orange leaves on my favorite tree in my front yard. I wonder if they've been this color for days and I haven't noticed.. could very well have.

Awareness..

I want to take my son to the Atlanta Zoo before it gets too cold out. Yes, it's still in the high 70's most days lately and its nearly Thanksgiving. Insane.

I was reading back through my blog yesterday.. through the archives that span almost three years! I didn't realize I'd had this place so long.
I found myself amused, reflective, proud for writing.. even if I have been largely sporadic - I have some record of my thoughts and life.

I've really got to up my music supply. Since I restored my laptop, I have only about 9 or so cd's ripped... it's quite sad.
I need new cd's for my car. I am so completely burned out on everything I've been listening to.

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Happy 1st of May

I am off work today and am taking Drake to the Aviation Museum this morning. We're both pretty excited. He assures me that Army men will be there.

I had a nice moment of peace yesterday on my work break. I'm trying to be aware, and nature seems to make that the least difficult. I was sitting in my car around 10 am, the temperature was still nice, had my windows down. The clouds looked like marshmallows and were moving across the sky with such grace. I sat and watched for a number of minutes. The wind was cooling my face, I was relaxed, and the moment in time was really appreciated. I had to record the clouds with my cell phone --


It is rewarding to be aware.

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blue sky

Things are looking up.

Just to change the most recent post, I thought I'd share a little act of Drake.

We were sitting at the table together, me on my laptop, Drake coloring in one of my notebooks. He noticed the spiral binding on the spine and started feeding his crayons through. To his delight, they'd slide right on through and onto the floor - plop!
Yay! Yay! Yay!" he shouted bouncing around in the chair. He'd accomplished something, he was proud and amused. I had to smile at the pile of crayons on the floor and share in his happiness.

That's the kind of joy I want to revel in on a daily basis.. little acts of accomplishment. If I tried to find something each day, I bet I could. My little buster is a good teacher.

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twenty seven

I've been thinking a lot lately about how close I am getting to thirty. I know, thirty is by no means 'old'. I'm really not so much dreading it as I am just in disbelief that I'm almost 3/4 of the way there. I thought I would just stay twenty-six forever. This age just has seemed to kind of .. stick in a strange way.

As soon as I had my son, time started moving at lightening speed. I make my own schedule at work every Tuesday, and I continue to be astounded how quickly the weeks pass. Week ending the 3rd, week ending the 10th, week ending the 17th, and so forth, then the month is poof - gone! Where does it run off to? Do the days all gather up in a meeting place somewhere at the ends of the Earth and trot off to the sea when the month is up? Come back here.

Then I start to ponder what I have accomplished. Anything in particular? Even if I didn't become a professional photographer this month, I know I got lots of practice snapping pictures of my son's many expressions and grey skies when I went on walks. That's what it's really about, after all. What little things are you doing that really add up even though you may not think so? My therapist (who is quite amazing, might I add) reminds me to be aware. Aware of the colors of the flowers you're passing as you walk into a building, the way your hair feels when it blows in the wind, the cute squirrel you dodged on your way to work (score! you saved his little life just then). I think I agree with her. I'm no pro, I struggle with being aware and appreciating things on a daily, even hourly basis. But I'm trying.

Now, where was I going with this? Oh yes, thirty. I have this mental image of my turning thirty being a spiritual, emotional, all-powerful awakening of sorts. Maybe the clock will strike on my proper birthday and sparkling flower petals will fall from the sky, all around me and I'll rejoice and turn in circles.

Somehow, I'm not counting on that. But isn't it true in many women that confidence and contentment come with your thirties? I sure hope so. My twenties have been quite the experience, let me tell you. And for lessons learned and battles fought, I am thankful. It seems like my internal clock is just winding down, saying something like "alright now girlfriend, we've done our dues of emotional havoc, let's settle into the idea of turning thirty"
And maybe it's all a mind thing.. Let's just say I'm very aware of my rounding the last corner of my twenties, and I'm okay with that.

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